I Need to Apologize (Explicit)

[Oberst W. Klink]

I'm not hinting at anything, Colonel Hogan. *slightly annoyed*
I'm being very open with you here *and a bit insulted*
As I said, it might be better for me to not know more than absolutely necessary, so I'm not even asking you any quiestions.
The only thing that I ask from you, Colonel, is that you show me some respect by not treating me like I'm stupid!
*speaks with no agitation but in a tone that won't tolerate bullshit*

[Col. R. Hogan]

*is still suspicious and worried, but also insulted as well*
"For Pete's sake, I'm not treating you like you're stupid! Quit saying that!"
*gets to his feet, waving his hands around as he speaks*
"I don’t give a damn what ol' Roly Polly says, you're not an idiot...or ugly. Okay? You're smart and sweet and cute and -"
*cuts himself off, freezing in place*
"I uh...um..."

[Oberst W. Klink]

*watches Hogan's outbreak his mouth subsequently falling more and more open*
*Confusedly stares a little longer after Hogan finished*
*Then looks concerned*
Hogan? Are you sure you are alright?

[Col. R. Hogan]

*shakes his head*
"Alright? Not even close. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy."
*flops back down in his chair and runs a hand down his face. Mutters under his breath*
"Or else I wouldn't seriously be considering telling you everything."
*lets out a heavy sigh, then straightens up and gives Klink his usual carefree grin*
"I can worry about that later on, though. It’ll keep. For now, I'd rather focus on your situation, especially since I have questions. For starters, when is the inspector due at our little country club? Is he just looking for all the numbers in your books to break even or what? Carter's gonna need details if you want this plan to work, Colonel Klink."

[Oberst W. Klink]

*gives Hogan a last worried look then is happy to focus on the task*
*Pours two Cognac*
I'll be happy to listen to what has you so beside yourself, as soon as we have this sorted out.
*Holds out one glas to Hogan*
*Sets the other on the table*
*Then opens his office door to stick his head out*
Frl. Hilda, get me Sgt. Carter
...and the englishman as well!
*Closes the door again*
*Then pulls up the chair from the corner and sets it next to Hogan*
*Sits down next to him*
*Reached for his papers on the other side of the desk but then stops*
*Looks at Hogan*
Thank you, Hogan

[Col. R. Hogan]

*nods and accepts the glass*

"Thanks, Kommandant. I always say a man can never go wrong with a good booze."

*debates swiping Klink's too, but decides against it for once. Takes a sip*

"Mm, delicious. What year is this?"

*smiles at Klink when the kommandant sits next to him*

"Not a problem, sir. My men are good at what they do; they'll get your books sorted out in no time flat."

*chuckles*

"And if all else fails, you could always wish upon your lucky star again. It worked for you when the Inspector General was here."

*turns serious*

"Is there anything about this situation you don't want me to mention to Carter and Newkirk? I know this is probably a, uh, delicate topic."

[Oberst W. Klink]

*gives Hogan an annoyed look at the lucky star remark but lets it slide*
*Takes his glass but sets it down again*
*Pushes it over to Hogan*
I probably shouldn't get drunk right now...
Hmm *thinks about Hogan's question*
At this point there's nothing worth being kept secret anymore...
But maybe we don't need to mention why I did it?
I have a reputation to maintain

[Col. R. Hogan]

*looks surprised, but accepts the glass*

"Oh...thank you."

*downs the rest of the cognac in his glass*

"That was a good decision for you to stay sober, Colonel Klink. You're no good to anyone if you're too sloshed to answer questions. We won't understand you if you start speaking German...we'll just think you're yelling at us. Not like that'd be anything new, though. My men are used to hearing it; it's all part and parcel of being a prisoner of war. Being yelled at to get up, yelled at to go eat, yelled to go to bed, etcetera. You'd think they were all deaf or something with how much your guards yell at them."

*laughs*

"Of course, I hear it more often then everyone else. Comes with the responsibility of being the one to brighten up your day. It's not as as easy as I make it look, you know. Sometimes I even think you don't appreciate my efforts. But then I remember what a good mood you're usually in after I leave, and that makes everything worth it. I'd hate to feel like you never wanted to see me."
*lifts the glass Klink gave him in a toasting gesture*

"No problem, Colonel Klink. We don't need anyone thinking the mighty Iron Eagle's got soft; it'd be bad for everyone's morale."

*smiles playfully to show he's only joking*

"There might even be a successful escape if you didn't ensure us poor prisoners were thoroughly cowed. That just wouldn't be acceptable, sir. I don't think your brass would like it very much."

*looks thoughtful*

"Or would they? From where I'm standing, it seems like having logic isn't a big priority in Berlin."

*sips on his cognac*

[Oberst W. Klink]

*Listens to Hogan drone on in silence but grows more annoyed by the minute*
*when Hogan finally stops, gives him a challenging look and slowly says*
Pray tell, Colonel Hogan, if you and your men don't know german... how are they gonna fix my books?
*emphasizes his question with a short pause*
I thought i told you, to stop lying in my face!

[Col. R. Hogan]

*blinks rapidly while his mind scrambles for a way to cover his tracks*
"I never said we didn't know German; I said we wouldn't understand you if you spoke it. Reading is much easier than speaking. Unless you need me or Carter to read everything out loud to you, we're good."
*looks innocent as he finishes off his cognac*

"I'm offended you think I'm lying to you, Kommandant. Here I am, doing my best to be a model prisoner so you look good, and you wanna accuse me of something I didn't do. That really hurts. Besides, the one time I tried to say more than a few words in your language, I nearly ruined my vocal cords. How anyone can roll their R's without sounding like a cat coughing up a hairball is beyond me."

[Col. R. Hogan]

Carter: *knocks on the door*
"Colonel Klink? Schultz said you wanted to see me and Newkirk about something, soooo...can we come in?"

[Oberst W. Klink]

Yes, Yes, come in and close the door.
*gets up and walks around the table to his own chair*
*sits down*
sit down
i asked you here, because Colonel Hogan offered your help

[Col. R. Hogan]

Newkirk: *steps into the office behind Carter and closes the door. Silently takes a seat, looking at his CO with a curious expression*

Carter: *sits in the remaining chair. Taps his foot, wondering what the heck is going on now*

"He did?"

Newkirk: "Well, if the Gov'nor says we can 'elp, we can 'elp. His word is good enough for me."

*sighs and addresses Klink*

"What'll you be needin' our help with, sir?"

[Oberst W. Klink]

*sorts through his papers a bit to stall bc he's embarassed*
Well ...
I asked you here *looking at Newkirk* because I ... heard that you have a talent for... forgery
And you *looking at Carter* because the Colonel said you're educated in accounting
*gets up and bends over his desk, sorting some more, stalling a bit longer*
The matter is, that i cheated Headquarters about the supplies we needed. They noticed that something is off and are sending an inspector to review my books.
*takes a pile of papers and lets it fall in front of Carter with a loud thump*
*then takes a pile of folders and shoves it towards Newkirk*
I told them some deliveries had been stolen on the way or that marketprices were higher than they were, so we could afford more and things like that.
I thought the amounts were small enough that they wouldn't notice.
And I didn't bother to redo all the incoming deliveries-reports that Schulz and Frl. Hilda wrote, and the lists for the kitchens, and all the receits... and all the quadruplet copies to archive that i still have to do in spite of paper being rationed *rolls his eyes at the thought that he is always so overworked because of idiotic things like that*
The paper-war is endless 
*falls into his chair, exhausted*
and the inspector is due in about six hours!

[Col. R. Hogan]

Newkirk: *whistles* 

"Cor blimey! When you do something, you really go all in, don't yeh?"

Carter: "He did it for a good reason, though. Can’t fault him for that."

Newkirk: *to Carter* "True, true. Don't know why the Jerries are starting a paper war; you'd think fighting on two fronts at the same time would be enough for 'em."

*snickers before addressing Klink*

"I, er, I wouldn't say I have a talent for that, per sae...but I might've forged a few things here and there in me life. Purely for ethical reasons, of course."

*shrugs*

"As me mate LeBeau would say, say la vay."

Carter: "Don’t you mean 'c'est la vie', buddy?"

Newkirk: *glares at him*

"It ain’t my fault the ruddy French can't speak the King's English, Andrew! Just shut yer yap and look over those papers."

Carter: *frowns but does as he's told*

"Uh-huh...uh-huh...oh, these should be easy to fix, Colonel Klink! See, you just have to alter the -"

[Col. R. Hogan]

*interrupts*
"Save it, Carter. I need you and Newkirk to focus on getting those books in order. Use my office so you have some privacy. We don’t want the nice inspector to find anything amiss, you know."
*gives them a look that indicates they should eliminate said inspector if need be*
"And uh, make sure you fellas bring your A-game for this project. Now go!"
*smiles to himself after they acknowledge his orders and leave. Looks at Klink*
"Well, I think that went better than expected. Carter seemed pretty optimistic about being able to fix your books."
*wraps his arms around himself as he thinks*
"Have you considered what you'll do on the off chance this guy doesn’t buy what you're selling? Not that you actually have to worry about that, of course, but having a backup plan never hurts."

[Oberst W. Klink]

*doubtfully watches the two leave*
Shouldn't i be helping them to make sure they do it right?
*Looks extremely unhappy at Hogan's question*
A Plan B? What kind of Plan B should i have? I can't very well keep the man from reporting me if it should come to it *slightly desperate*
*Get's up*
I think I'll go and help and make sure a plan B won't be needed
*Starts walking towards the door*

[Col. R. Hogan]

*shakes head*
"They can read German, sir. The only thing they have to do is recalculate the math and all that."
*smiles*
"Have you ever thought about defecting to the winning side? Could come with a few...unexpected benefits, you know."
*stands up and grabs Klink’s arm, speaking in a slightly desperate tone*
"No no no! You can't go into Barracks 2, sir. You'll interrupt their whole thinking process."

[Oberst W. Klink]

*stops and turns to Hogan*
Defect? *Serious* if i were a man who defects i would have done it in the last war...
*Sighs*
Wie auch immer... If you're sure they'll manage then let's go to my quarters and I'll make us some real coffee. I am rather tired.

[Col. R. Hogan]

*raises his eyebrows, but doesn't comment.*
"I'm positive they'll manage. Like I already told you, my men are good at what they do."
*Blushes at Klink’s offer and speaks in a higher than usual tone*
"Real coffee? In your quarters?"
*tone returns to normal*
"I, I mean, yeah. Sure. That sounds great, sir."
*mutters to himself*
"Get a grip, Rob!"